[Vhfcn-l] Monday musings

[Gary Thewlis]

Now I know what a statesman is; he's a dead politician. We need more
statesmen.

Bob Edwards

 

This President is going to lead us out of this recovery.

Dan Quayle

 

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop
thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do
we.

George W. Bush

 

Tell the truth and you won't have so much to remember.

Abraham Lincoln

 

Industrialization came to England but has since left.

P. J. O'Rourke

 

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the
cares of office.

Ambrose Bierce

 

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Money for (Practically) Nothing: 4 Very Big Paychecks for Very Little Work 

by Ethan Trex - November 14, 2008 

 

Work hard, get promoted, succeed in your new post, and eventually you'll
start earning the big money. This progression seems like a firmly ingrained
part of the American Dream, and it's certainly worked for a lot of people.

 

However, these steps aren't absolutely necessary to fatten your bank
account, as Washington Mutual CEO Alan Fishman learned back in September.
When WaMu failed and was seized by government regulators, Fishman had been
on the job for just 17 days. However, he was contractually guaranteed $11.6
million in cash severance on top of the $7.5 million signing bonus he got
for taking the job. Basically, Fishman netted just under $20 million for 17
days of work, which is a pretty nice setup for the head of a collapsing
corporation. (In Fishman's defense, it's tough to blame WaMu's failure on
his leadership alone; it seems highly unlikely that any CEO, however
determined, could crash such a large thrift in just two weeks.)

 

Fishman's not the only person to reap huge rewards for relatively little
work. Here are few other well-compensated employees who didn't have to put
in too many years of service:

 

1. Michael Ovitz

 

After co-founding Creative Artists Agency in 1975, Ovitz quickly skyrocketed
through the ranks of entertainment agents until he established himself as
one of the most powerful men in Hollywood. In 1995, though, he left CAA to
become president of Disney. Ovitz's tenure at Disney was stormy; he clashed
with CEO Michael Eisner, who didn't share Ovitz's penchant for delegation.
Ovitz also racked up a $6 million tab for various expenses ranging from
renovating his office, buying Lakers tickets, and purchasing a BMW. It
quickly became obvious that Ovitz wasn't going to be a great fit at Eisner's
Disney, so the board terminated his contract after just 16 months. While
Ovitz put in more work that Alan Fishman did at WaMu, he also received a lot
more cash: a severance package of stock and cash that was worth around $100
million at the time. As Disney's stock price rose, though, so did the value
of the package; at one point Ovitz's take might have been as much as $140
million for those 16 months of work. 

 

2. Billy Dee Williams

 

Critics raved about Aaron Eckhart's turn as Harvey Dent in this summer's The
Dark Knight, and most couldn't help but mention that it was a marked
improvement over Tommy Lee Jones' campy portrayal of Two-Face in 1995's
Batman Forever. However, Jones wasn't the only man to portray Dent in that
run of Caped Crusader films. Billy Dee Williams had the role of Dent in Tim
Burton's 1989 film Batman. Although the role was a fairly minor one in that
film, Williams allegedly took the part with the understanding that he would
reprise the character in a sequel in which Two-Face would be one of Batman's
antagonists. To this end he had a pay-or-play clause inserted in his
contract that basically assured that if the Harvey Dent/Two-Face character
appeared in a future Warner Bros. Batman film, Williams would play the role.
If the director chose to cast another actor in the part, the studio would
have to cough up a buyout to Williams. 

In the end, that's exactly what happened: when Tim Burton left the series'
helm, Joel Schumacher took over and wanted to cast Jones in the part.
Williams received a cash buyout to not be in Batman Forever, a deal most of
the principals in the critical disaster probably wish they'd been offered
themselves. 

 

3. Carl Pavano

 

When a professional baseball player signs a new deal, he's pretty much
guaranteed to pull in the cash regardless of whether or not he plays. If you
want proof, just mention the name Carl Pavano to New York Yankees fans and
watch as their faces contort in terror. After an early stint in Montreal and
three fairly strong seasons in Florida, Pavano signed a four-year contract
worth $39.95 million with the Yankees before the 2005 season. He then got
injured. Frequently. The pitcher's ill-fated tenure in the Bronx included
pretty standard baseball injuries like an elbow strain and some problems
with his throwing shoulder, but he also had some booboos that made Yankees
fans wonder if he might be cursed, including two broken ribs in a car crash
and a disabled-list trip for bruised buttocks. In all, the Yankees shelled
out that $39.95 million for Pavano to make 26 starts over the four-year
span. To make matters worse, on the rare occasions when Pavano was healthy
he wasn't very good at baseball. His best season with the Yankees saw him
compile a 4.77 ERA and allow 1.47 baserunners per inning he pitched. Even
Mike Hampton, baseball's other pricy-but-fragile starter, has to shake his
head at those numbers. 

 

4. Edward McSweegan

 

While he may not be as high profile or as well-paid as the other names on
this list, McSweegan may have found the sweetest deal an average guy could
find. In a coup ripped directly from one of George Costanza's daydreams,
McSweegan claimed that he did nothing for seven years while employed as a
scientist at the National Institutes of Health. In 2003 McSweegan told the
Washington Post that he hadn't really been given any job responsibilities
since 1996. Prior to that, he had been a researcher and program officer on
Lyme disease, but he was removed from that position in 1995 for arguing with
a sufferers' support group. Although he had a title as director of the
U.S.-Indo Vaccine Action Program and a list of nominal duties associated
with that role, McSweegan claimed that he only carried out the tiniest of
tasks like ordering coffee. In exchange, he received a salary in the
neighborhood of $100,000. 

 

When the NIH vehemently disputed McSweegan's story that he simply went to
work and did nothing all day, he maintained that he never received any
assignments. McSweegan would show up, sit in his office, and read to kill
time. He took up fiction writing to fill his workdays and published a pair
of novels he allegedly wrote while at the office. He told CBS in an
interview that he also joined a health club near work "just to sort of break
up the day." 

The most amazing part of McSweegan's story isn't that he managed to stay
employed through this seven-year period, but that he received positive
performance reviews from his superiors. He wryly explained to CBS, "I guess
I'm good at doing nothing."

 

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In Denver, Colorado, is it against the law to mistreat rats.  

 

It is illegal in Michigan to put a skink on your bosses desk.

 

You must register with the state in Arizona before becoming an illegal drug
dealer.

 

In Ashville, North Carolina it's illegal to do sneeze on the streets.

 

It's illegal to swear in front of a corpse in Texas.

 

In Wisconsin during your wife's orgasm it's illegal to fire a gun.

 

In New York the death penalty is required for jumping off a building.